"CUB, I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YOGA" I SAID.
"WELCOME TO THE TEMPLE OF THE SPIRIT AND YOUR INNER SOUL" SAID A POST-HIPPY GIRL EATING A PEACE OF TOFU. SHE WAS THE TEACHER.
"MIKE, LOW DOWN YOUR VOICE OR WE WILL GET KICKED OUT FROM THIS PLACE"
"YES?! THEN I WON'T, LET'S GET OFFA HERE!!!"
"LOOK, YOU WANTED TO COME AND I TOLD YOU "ONCE I MADE YOGA AND THEN I COULDN'T MOVE!!!" BUT YOU INSISTED SO THAT'S WHY WE ARE HERE, LOW DOWN YOUR VOICE!!!"
"ALRIGHT! X( BUT TELL ME WHY WE ARE WEARING PLAYBOY T-SHIRTS"
"IT'S BECAUSE OF THE PLAYBOY MANDALA. REMEMBER THAT PAINTING I MADE? PLUS WE ARE NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUS, SO..."
"YOU COULDN'T MOVE? YOU HAVE MUSCLE MASS!!!"
"THAT'S THE REASON I GUESS, CAUSE YOU HAVE TO STAY STILL AND ALL THAT. SO IF YOU AND I HAVE TO MAKE A TON OF MUSCLE STAY STILL, WE WON'T BE ABLE TO MOVE FOR A WHILE"
"HOW MUCH TIME? BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, CAUSE IF WE CAN'T MOVE THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS WE WON'T BE ABLE TO DO"
"MAYBE THAT'S WHY WE ARE HERE, SO YOU'LL GET RID OF THE IDEA OF MAKING YOGA FOREVER, I KNOW YOU HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH THE VISUAL CONFIRMATION"
"ALRIGHT. RELAX" SAID THE TEACHER "AND FIND YOUR INNER LIGHT. LISTEN TO THE MUSIC AND TRY TO THINK IN NOTHING, OR IN A MANTRA OR A MANDALA"
"YOU SEE?" SAID THE CUB "WE CAN THINK IN THE PLAYBOY MANDALA AND SAY THE HUGH HEFNER MANTRA"
"YEAH"
"NOW TAKE YOUR ARM AND MAKE A MOVEMENT BEHIND YOUR BACK THEN LIFT YOUR OPPOSITE LEG TILL YOU MAKE A 90 DEGREES ANGLE, YES, WELL DONE. NOW YOU WILL JUMP THREE TIMES AND SAY "OHM" AND THEN YOU'LL STAY STILL. FINDING INNER PEACE IS EASIER WITH THIS YOGA MOVEMENTS" SAID THE TEACHER.
WE ALL DID THAT.
"NOW WE'LL MAKE A SPIDER MOVING THE ARMS BACK AND THEN YOU'LL RAISE YOUR BELLY AS MUCH AS YOU CAN AND YOU'LL SAY "NAMASHTE"
WE ALL DID THAT
"CUB, THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE"
"I KNOW, I TOLD YOU, MY ARMS ARE HURTING AND MY FEET TOO, HELL"
"NOW WE WILL RELAX, RELAX, LISTEN TO THE MUSIC AND REMEMBER THAT WE ARE ALL ONE IN THIS WORLD AND THE WISDOM OF THE UNIVERSE WILL COME TO US, THAT'S IT THIS IS PERFECT, NOW WE'LL MAKE THE LOTO POSITION AND MEDITATE, REMEMBER YOUR MANDALAS AND YOUR MANTRAS"
????
HA.
"CUB THIS IS A JOKE!!!"
"I KNOW. BETTER FIND ALFA STATE WATCHING MOVIES, NOT STRANDED AGAIN, PLEASE, BUT... YOU HAVE TO SEE WITH YOUR OWN EYES THIS IS NOT COOL FOR US"
"YEAH? SHUT UP ABOUT STRANDED, CUB! YOU'LL MOCK ON ME FOREVER BECAUSE THAT SHIT MOVIE???"
"LET'S JUST SAY... THAT I KNOW WHAT I SAW. C'MON, CONCENTRATE WHITE TRUFFLE CAKE!"
"LOOK. I CANNOT MAKE THE FUCKING LOTO"
"YEAH, I CAN'T EITHER SO WE'LL PRETEND WE ARE MAKING OUR BEST EFFORT"
"THE LIGHT OF THE RELAXATION PROCESS WILL FREE ALL OF US OF ANY STRESS IN LIFE AND ALL WORRIES. AS WE END OUR MEDITATION, WE WILL STAY SIT AND MOVE OUR LEGS TO THE FRONT IN THE MOST STRAIGHT POSITION. THEN WE WILL TOUCH OUR TOES AND WE WILL STAY STILL FOR TEN MINUTES. REMEMBER YOUR MANDALAS AND MANTRAS, THAT IS CRUCIAL IN ALL THE YOGA PROCESS"
"HELL, CUB, I FELL LIKE I'M IN LAZY TOWN..."
"TOLD YOU YOU WOULD NOT LIKE IT"
"I KNOW WHAT YOU TOLD!!!"
"LOW DOWN YOUR VOICE, MISTER LERKOFF"
"CUB!!!"
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LATER.
"I CAN'T MOVE!!!" I SAID.
"YES, BUT WE HAD TO GO SO YOU WOULD LEARN, STUBBORN JOCK!!!"
"DON'T CALL ME JOCK. I HAVE BRAIN"
"FEELS COOL TO DRINK A HAZELNUT SKINNY LATE LARGEST SIZE WITH SPLENDA AT STARBUCKS AFTER THIS JOURNEY THROUGH OUR INNER LIGHT"
"FEEL LIKE I STAY STILL IN THIS COUCH FOREVER..."
"WE CAN TAKE IBUPROFEN AND BUY SOMETHING FOR THE MUSCLE PAIN, AN OINTMENT OR SOMETHING..."
"AGAIN, WHY WE CAN'T MOVE?"
"WE WEIGH TOO MUCH"
"BUT WE WORK OUT!"
"YES, MIKE, BUT TRY TO LIFT A GYM MACHINE WEIGHT AND MAKE IT STAY STILL FOR TEN MINUTES."
"YOU CULD NOT JUST TELL ME THAT SO I WOULD GET RID OF THE IDEA OF MAKING YOUGA???"
"WELL. I THOUGHT THAT WOULD NOT BE ENOUGH. STOP WHINING! IS THIS REALLY SO TERRIBLE???"
"YES!!!"
"WELL SO YOU LEARNED. I'M HAPPY WITH THAT RESULT"
THIS GUY!!!!
